on dating

Brooke: I just get so anxious! Like, what if I go on a date and just forget how to walk?
Me: Then you look at them and say "Sorry, it's been awhile since I've inhabited a body."
Brooke: And they're like "...what?"
Me: "You heard me."
Brooke: "Did I fucking stutter?"


"Oh my fucking god. There are crumbs everywhere. All the fuck over my keyboard. Welp, time to pick them up one by one with spit-fingers." *a few minutes pass* "Oh my god. Mmmlllghh. Bllhh! Nope, not doing that anymore. There was so much cat hair in my fucking keyboard." -- Brooke, on eating and computering simultaneously


Netflix nature documentary: This highly-successful shark [eats some shit].
Me, deadpan: He's also the CEO of the ocean.
Brooke: ...
Me: What? He's highly successful!


"Excuse me, do you have a moment to talk about our Lord and Saviour MY FACE!" -- me, being a cuttlefish eating another fish.

"I feel like 'Hey, you wanna go to a parallel universe?' is not good first date material." -- me

Nature Doc Narrator: swimming forever, in the endless blue.
Me: It's not endless! The oceans are finite!
Brooke: Your mom isn't endless.
Me: GOOD.